Wenches of the Round Table
Wenches of the Round Table
G-R-O-N-E
Life is hard.
We all smell bad.
Always be ok with being corrected.
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I'm fucking sick of you today.
SPEAKER_01:I'm sick. We've been on one. I haven't seen you in a month of And a half And all you've done You're so fucking dramatic I know I love it though I love that you tell me you miss me I do You're just angry about it It's a little aggressive I haven't seen you in two damn weeks And all you do is freaking therapy Well, I mean, that's two weeks I've been gone not therapy I know, and now I And you a hot mess You even fucking therapied my mother this morning I did And your girlfriend last night. Yeah, you made her cry. She texted me. She's like, Kristen just made me cry. I'm like, in a good or bad way. When I first opened Whiplash about five years ago, my first girls where it was just us in there, we developed like these deep relationships. We have a deep understanding of each other.
SPEAKER_00:And
SPEAKER_01:that was kind of like your, what is it called? Whenever you go try out for your hazing is I had to make you cry. And now it happens like in the interview. Like it's gotten that far. And so I just, I'm over here making people cry, but in good ways. And I remember it was, I'm going to talk about her, but I'm not going to say her name. And you'll know who it is because she don't want me to say her
SPEAKER_00:name.
SPEAKER_01:But we were out at the bar one night. I take my girls out. And we haven't done it in a long time because everything's been so busy. We're taking off. And that's where I've been. I've been doing great things. You've been out there trying to fucking disappear for another two damn weeks. I know. I know. I'm going to Alaska, y'all. Bring Give me a keychain. And let this be testament of ask and you shall receive. Like, I literally, I prayed so hard that I could go. I want to see my best friend get married, and I'm going. I'm asking for a keychain. I'll get you a keychain. Thank you. Yeah. That's all I ask. See, that's the key. I'm doing lashes on the boat. I love that. I already posted in the group. Wait, are you allowed to, like, bring chemicals and stuff? Mm-hmm. How's that work? They search it like an airplane, don't they? I've never been on a cruise. It's just the same shit you'd find in your makeup bag, though. That's not really... I don't know. These days, people be putting carrots up their ass and calling it a bomb. So I don't know what you can and can't do. I have no idea. But I'm going to make money while I'm there to spend at the casino. So if you're going on that trip and you listen... I'm going to make some money there to go to the casino because I'm ADHD and autistic and those little games. Those are exactly why they make so much money is it's all autism in there. That's how they'll draw us in for the registry. They'll be like, put up a slot machine. I heard they're about to build something out here by Buc-ee's. A slot machine or a registry for artistic people? Probably both. Well, yeah. That's the draw. It'll be like, what is it, John Redcorn with his Indian gaming in Texas? Yeah. Listen, that King of the Hill reboot's coming and I'm thrilled. Thrilled. Did you know, I think it was one of the most rich tribe owns Hard Rock? No. Yeah. I was watching some TikToks and they were going through the reserve and it was so beautiful. It was like its own huge city. They had their healthcare, elementary schools. They are their own people and it's such a beautiful thing to see how they flipped that around on us white autistic little motherfuckers.
SPEAKER_00:We're going to take
SPEAKER_01:all their money. They took everything. Pop off, sister. And they're still giving back to... the people and the land and all those things like we could learn so much from them we just have to see them in a different light and see how beautiful they are really well that requires being open minded and not very anyway so I'm going to go spend some money on this boat y'all book your lashes if you're going on the cruise thank you what were we talking about How has your week been? What is today? Why do I feel like today's Wednesday? I don't know. It feels like a Wednesday, Friday. It's been pretty busy. It's been... Well... Okay, let me read. My brain has been very busy this week. My body has not been. Well, I mean, moderately so. I am getting around a lot more. I feel like there's something going on in the stars. Yesterday was a fuck. I don't know what was going on. We hit a rift or something. And I talked to four or five different people yesterday that all had similar experiences. It was just a disruption of some sort. I don't know. Mom and I had it happen. It was just a mess. And I finally, I looked at her and I'm like, Mom, just go home. I feel like we just need to go home and sit. Like, just get out of the world today. Yeah. You know, it just felt weird. And then, I don't know, and just... Everybody was just disrupted. I don't know. It's the stars. Who's in, what planet's upset right now? Well, we're going into... Beltane. Beltane. Beltane was yesterday. May Day. Oh, well, was it yesterday? Yeah. Well, that would be, that was it then. Well, I really feel like, and that's what we were talking about earlier, is... where beltane is going into like new you new phase of life new growth all these things so funny you get rid of your demons completely and i really think that that's what that little like whenever they go around the pole with the maypole yeah the maypole i feel like they're wrapping their demons down like getting rid of them well all i can think of is um that movie what the fuck's it called Oh, damn it. Oh, damn it. I'm looking right at her stupid face. Damn it. That hereditary man did it.
UNKNOWN:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, it's about that girl with the damn flower crown. Oh my God. Is it like, what kind of movie? It's the horror movie. Oh, I don't, I can't watch horror. My real life became horror. Son of a bitch. Hold on. I saw this TikTok the other day and I'm going to do it to the kids. Midsommar. No, I haven't seen that one. Don't watch it. But I'm going to take the kids down to the graveyard and... be like leaving you with grandma today no take him up with judy judy will take him i feel like granny would have loved marcy i'm sure she she probably would have i don't know granny granny hated kids i felt that hatred it was putrid like hated them yeah but there were certain ones that she could tolerate i don't know granny was a weirdo she tolerated me but it was like i could see it in her nose just the way she held her nose a little bit sometimes Did I smell bad? I don't know. Probably. We all smelled bad. We were teenagers. Don't say I don't know. Probably. Did I smell bad? You would know. I don't remember. We were 14. We slept in the same bed together. And I tried to cuddle you. So obviously not. There was this, okay, let me tell you an ex story. We're not saying names. But I went to this burlesque show one night that reminded me. I was like, do I smell bad? Because that's one of my own fears. Me too. And I can't stand the thought of smelling bad. I've never been able to. But in the house that I grew up in, there was no possibility of not smelling bad. Like both of them smoked two packs a day. There was who knows what kind of chemicals running around in there. Plus dirt and roaches and I slept with rats and all kinds of fun stuff. So I don't like smelling bad. Yeah. It really, it even bothers me to smell like cigarette smoke and I still smoke. That's how addicted I am. Yeah. Well, we're not going to get to the depth of your addiction. Okay. But anyways, that's my own fear. i can't stand to smell like when i was i don't know if you remember or not i was one of those people i always had at least three perfumes in my bag at all times yeah and i would spend like i let me tell you this is my privilege showing okay like i would get birthday money every year right for for my birthday and i know i know where i come from okay i don't want to fucking hear it i'm white and privileged i'm sorry i didn't ask to be that way but like why do you sound so angry about it you're white and privileged i'm white and Privilege, damn it. I had a great childhood, but I got gifts and I would save up my money and I would spend a shit ton of money on perfume every year before school started. It was like a routine. You'd get clothes and And you had to get at least three perfumes. And I don't think I ever spent less than$400 because I was so scared to death. On just perfume? Just perfume. Oh my God. I couldn't stand to, I didn't want to smell like Love Spell because that's what everyone wore. I wanted to be different and exotic. Yeah, but then you're over here actually different and exotic being like, I wish I was like everybody else. Niki White Yeah. She works in the physical therapy office. Oh, cool. I get to hang out with them. I always loved her. I know. And we were talking about it the other day. We were just talking like, you know, have you talked to so-and-so and who, you know, blah, blah, blah. And it was just looking at everyone's kids. They're all like teenagers now. Like Marcy's about to be 12 yeah like like one of the the girl that unquestioned I won't say her name because I don't but but like her her daughter's getting ready to be 13 oh my god like they're in middle like about to be in high school and I'm looking at them and I'm just like holy shit what the what it's wild isn't it this is is this what midlife feels like I feel like oh my god I can't do this you can't where's the DNR No, where's the DNR? Where's that DNR at? I can't handle this anymore. Like, I'm just kidding. It doesn't exist. I forgot to tell my ex story about the smell thing. Oh, I'm sorry. I hijacked it. No, it's fine. Did I smell bad? Did you actually answer? No, you do not smell bad. You did not smell bad. You also continue to talk about how my ass smell is on the couch.
UNKNOWN:What?
SPEAKER_01:Do I smell bad? Kristen? Rebecca? Christina? Rebecca? Do you have a popcorn lung she has? Oh my God. Did you see the amount of pollen you pulled off of you? I was outside all day, every day for like the last... Three weeks and I'm dying in time. Listen, I just wiped pollen off my ass and immediately went in. You didn't wipe it off. I was outside dusting your ass. I touched my butt and then put my contacts in. It was like playing the drums. It didn't used to do that. Now it's like... Dead ass. It's not a dead ass anymore. I don't know. I was just having this conversation. And if any, if, if you've known me any length of time up until a year ago, two years ago, a year ago, I didn't like full Hank Hill. I developed my ass later in life too. Like it was literally just back and crack. Yeah. You know, like there was no shape. And I don't know if like being on crutches did it. my physical therapist says sometimes like sitting will do it it'll like round you out because like where you're sitting it'll push push it out and round it out i always thought it was the opposite because my butt started rounding out whenever i switched to sitting on a yoga chair instead of an office chair i don't know but i have a butt now and and and alexis keeps telling she's she's back there being a man you know just objectifying me and i'm i'm here for it yeah i'm all for it you've definitely got i deserve this a little bit more cake factor and i'm like what and finally she's like well you just go look and i'm like there's a boo where did that come from well and then i'm where did you come from where did you go where did you come from cotton on joe that's talking about an asshole maybe that song is about developing butts True test. I said, okay, well here, here's the test. I pulled out my scrubs from when I worked at the fertility clinic. Okay. So when I worked there and I've not gained, like I'm getting back to now that I'm moving and stuff, you know, like I'm getting back into shape and things. So like I'm not a blob as much anymore. And so I pull, I'm like, when I had these the first time, They sagged. I could literally store things in the ass of my pants because there was no ass to fill them in. I store things in my panty pocket sometimes. Me too. What do you put in there? Keys. I have put a house key in my vagina. Not in it. In the gusset of my crotch. Mom was normally money and drugs. Money? Well, I didn't do drugs. I didn't do hard drugs. And I didn't have any money, but the money I did have went in my pussy hole. I'm just kidding. And that's another thing that I want to say out loud to everybody. Something that I would scream to the world. What's that? I'm so happy I never put a hard drug in my mouth. I'm so grateful because I would be absolutely dead already if I had because of my issue with addiction. And what I really needed to say loud is addicts are people to quit treating them like shit. Can we just really understand how we got from do I smell bad to... addicts are people to stop treating them like shit which is a very valid statement yeah how did we get here uh life with crew it's like driving the autobahn welcome it's literally and you still have not let me respond to the fact that i smell bad and you you No! Listen. I've been taking methylfolate and this is what it does to my brain. I don't know what the fuck that is, but I'm just going to tell you. No, when you come in here. And you plop your bare meat flaps down onto my couch. Bare. I've got undies on today. Today? Sometimes you don't. Most of the time you do not. And you flap your Arby's in there on my couch. I like to live life freely. And then Alexis gets here and she's just like... hmm, Kristen's been here, hasn't she? I'm like, mm-hmm. Yeah, there's a literal lightened spot on the couch from where you sit, and you're going to sit here and tell me that your ass doesn't smell? Yeah, it smells like an ass, but it doesn't smell bad. It just smells like, oh, Kristen's asshole's been here today. You also cough and piss all over my couch. I have to Stanley Steamer. I've got public trade in Roomba and Stanley Steamer because you're just mad because I'm pretty, aren't you? Yes. I'm angry over it. Live it even. Yeah. And I'm tired of you putting your meat flaps on my couch. I'm going to start putting down a puppy pad. Do you want to listen to how narcissistic I caught myself in? Speaking of the vanity that I have these days. I didn't always have that. I've always been like, oh, whenever I look in the mirror. But here recently, like things have changed. I don't know if I'm just like happier and the smile actually makes you prettier. You just had gas is what it was. Probably. But like everywhere I go, people are like, you're so pretty. Oh, my God, I love your outfit. Oh, my God, you're so cute. Like all the time. I hate it. I don't like it. If you wanted it, it wouldn't be given to you. Right. Start wanting it and it'll stop. Me living my little fairy tale in my brain, every day I come home and complain to my husband about how somebody called me pretty or there's some ugly man in my inbox and the reason why he ugly is because he sent his dick pic first.
SPEAKER_00:Ugh.
SPEAKER_01:I had one with a soccer ball, completely naked. Asked me to be a queen of something. And I know it was scam. I knew that one was scam, but I thought it was fucking hilarious. They just really get bold these days, don't they? They really do. Like, it's a lot. Being a woman in this world is a lot. I want to go back to being a man. Oh, I think my favorite is... When men approach stud lesbians and they're attracted to them. Yeah. I love a stud. Okay. Yeah. All right. I'm into that. That's, that's, that's cool. Yeah. But stud in a lace pushup. I know it's weird, isn't it? I'm into Alexis. That's about it. Okay, there's a lot of people out there that really think I'm full of shit and don't think that's a thing. How singular focused on someone and really not see anybody else. Yeah, that's how I am with Colby. I've gotten into arguments with past partners because they're like, you're fucking... you're lying. Yeah. Like you're literally sitting there. I'm like a narcissist, not a partner. Well, yeah, but I'm just like, no, I really, like once I am in, and even not even, I don't know. Once I'm in a relationship with somebody, it's like everyone else becomes a Barbie doll and it's just plastic and no features. You know what I mean? I think that was part of our issue when we were growing up though.
UNKNOWN:Um,
SPEAKER_01:A little bit, wasn't it? What? That we were having... That, like, we were... You were in that singular relationship and I had trust issues. And so I went... I was always with all kinds of crazy people. Oh, well, you were everywhere all the time. I was. I was not. But I was also gay and could not do that. So there was nowhere to go. That's true. And honestly, like, I think about that sometimes because you hear about... or at least I hear about stories from other members, other lesbians in the community. Like, you know, I left, I moved away. I came back. out away from here. So I was not a part of... Well, it feels very unsafe around here. It does. But I was not part of the community or the group here. And the group is very incestuous. Everybody trades around. It's a mess. And I'm not a big group person anyway. And I don't have gay friends. I do not really have any other lesbian friends at all. There's one or two and I might talk to them at Christmas. It's not like that. But I moved away So I wasn't in any of like the L word politics, you know? Yeah. So like, I don't have any of that. So like, it's crazy to hear how everybody acts. Yeah. Redirect me. What was I talking about? Fuck. I hate when I do this. Hate that. What were we talking about? I hate
SPEAKER_00:that.
SPEAKER_01:What was that? What were we talking about? I can't even remember. The way you're looking at me. I have no idea. So anyways, I have this fear of always smelling bad and I never know if I smell good or not. I don't trust my own nose because you go nose blind to things, right? Your own red onion smells, one of them. And I was really nose blind to how my mom's house smelled until I moved out of mom's house. And all that stuff I brought with me, like, oh, it smelled bad. It was rough. And mom, she would always still, like, try to send me things, like jackets and stuff. Like, dad didn't have me taking it. He took care of us. Worked his little ass off. But... He's also developed a booty, too, as he's grown. It might be a thing. Developing an ass. Well, and that's what I, because I asked mom, because mom was very thin growing up, like lanky, lanky, lanky, thin. And now, look at her. Look at her ass. She's so pretty. I know. Well, like, my mom and I, like, would grow up going... i wish i had like i wish i had how did i get dad's ass like how did i get dad's fucking ass and yet again you're still not telling the story about how the accent smells bad how do we keep getting away from i'm just gonna stop myself so listen listen at how naive i was with love at once and this wasn't That long ago, unfortunately. I wish it was longer ago, honestly. But I've only been with like five people, really. Me too. But I've always been worried about smelling. We got there. And so this hit home whenever he said this. So I go to a burlesque show with my best friend. And this dude, we're all in the same friend group. And he just happens to tag along. Just happens to tag along. And, like, I had been starry-eyed about this dude for a while because he was really nice to me whenever I was having a really hard time one time. And I didn't get a lot of niceness growing up, so I clung on to it, even though he really sometimes made fun of me and picked on me in a way. But I hadn't seen him in forever. And I had a couple of drinks in me. And he comes over and he just gives me a hug. And he was like, you smell like home. Oh. I melted in that moment because nobody's ever been nice to me like that. Oh, no. Yeah. You smell sickly sweet like diabetes. I love roaches. He's a great dude, though. Good for him. Good on him. I'm happy that worked. Every experience is an experience.
SPEAKER_00:It is.
SPEAKER_01:You know? And I like to take what I can from every situation and grow and move on and get on with things. And see, that's the thing. And now I know that I don't smell bad. Confirmation just happened right here, right now, even though it's been happening my whole life. Literally, you don't stink. I don't understand why you fucking think you smell bad. You don't. I literally just told you in the car. You smell so good. That's so nostalgic for me. What is that? My ears are ringing. What's that mean? Is your spider scent tingling or something? I think so. No, I think core memory unlocked. From what? That I don't smell bad. You don't smell bad. You know how bad OCD and like having, I guess it's some sort of something happens. No, because I just learned that I even have... No, I didn't know that. That's a thought that I have every morning before I walk out the door is I bet you smell awful. Look at all these dogs. Look at these little fluff balls rolling across your floor. Meanwhile, I'm stepping on cat food and crayon pieces, so I understand. Yeah, you should see my car. It's awful. I walk into the house, and the first thing I'm like, it smells like litter box to me. Yeah, that's how I am. And it doesn't. It does not smell that way. Because believe me, Alexis would let me know if it smelled. But like, I don't know. I just broke a curse sitting right here right now. Did you? Did you break the smelling bad curse? Maybe. Maybe. now i'm not gonna care and actually smell bad though listen as long as you don't sit around okay what i don't understand and this is one of the things i fucking i've had it okay i'm so sick if we are grown we're grown we're grown we're grown we're grown g-r-o-n-e
SPEAKER_00:oh wait that's wrong what It's
SPEAKER_01:so funny because you're in college right now. No, I'm in graduate school. It's not just college.
SPEAKER_00:I can't even spell grown.
SPEAKER_01:I mean, I spelled it out. It sounded okay. Oh, no. I can't see out of my eyeballs. G-R-O-N-E. Hmm. Interesting. I
SPEAKER_00:can't
SPEAKER_01:stand myself. Listen. Listen.
SPEAKER_00:You shook her head. I was like, G-R-O-N-E. I'm like, wait. I've missed. Listen.
SPEAKER_01:Oh, shit. I'm going to do like those girls in that group where they go, mmm. I love them. Mmm. I love them so much. Oh my God, my stomach hurts. No, but anyway, what I've had it with, because we're G-O-R-O-N-E. That's the episode title.
SPEAKER_00:But
SPEAKER_01:no, what I've had it with, It's like grown people thinking that like you can just run water over your parts and consider that clean. Right. That's not clean. No. You have. No. There needs to be some friction. Yeah. And some soap. There's a lot of people that don't get education like that, though. These the people that I know have it or even know to look it up. They have it. they have it yeah they have it there there was a mexican lady across the street growing up and i was taught how to shave and everything by her did you shave did she teach you how to shave your beard yeah and my brow she taught me how to pull apart a razor which i ended up using for other purposes yeah good things later down the road but um she taught me how to shave my My brow's at, like, seven. Oh, my God. I had no idea. Okay, context. We said a word we had no idea had. Yeah, I made a reference to something. And I made a correction. And I did have, I had no idea. Yeah. I grew up around a lot of Mexican people and I love them so much. Yeah. Yeah. But that word is definitely racist. That's my apology. Yeah. I had no idea. I'm happy that you woke up. Yeah. No, I didn't. Well, because like I like I'm on that. Not that I didn't know you wouldn't. But I don't know. Yeah. You're completely respectful. You just had no idea. I had no clue. Well, because when I lived in Texas, like that was just they just hollered. Like I didn't know. I had no idea it was bad. Yeah. And I think it really depends on area. Because growing up in some of the places that I was into, it was common to see all races use words that only certain races are allowed to use these days. Well, I think this falls along the line with that time when we were trying to figure out if Hispanic people could call... african-american people the n-word yeah yeah and like i hear it again ot yeah well like i was listening to his new album the other day and which it's terrible and i'm really disappointed in it no it's not good no um but peso peso that goofy motherfucker he says it a lot yeah and i'm still like obviously it doesn't matter because he's like a big dude saying it And ain't nobody shot his ass yet. And he hangs out with black people. So I assume it's fine, I guess. Yeah. Marginalized groups can talk. It's like fat people calling people fat or like gay people calling people, calling each other the F word. Yeah. I still am scared to say the words that you all gave me permission to say. Like I don't say it. You shouldn't. Yeah. Permission is never permission. Well, you really have to learn how to read the room. Yeah, I really I'm people you're comfortable with is completely different. Yeah. And again, I stand by the statement permission is never permission. Like if you were if you had a Mexican best friend and we're walking around saying that word, I wouldn't blink twice at you. But even like I do have, you know, black friends and I would never. And they even like when we're like if we listen to music in the car, they look at me. I'm like, I ain't saying it. I was told growing up by some of my friends that I grew up in the hood with them and I was allowed to say it and I still wouldn't. Nope. No. Yeah. No. Because I'm not going to get that construed. No. Yeah. No, absolutely not. That term has been used as a hateful term, and I'm not going to take part in that. There's definitely a respectable way to correct people and love on them, too. You had no idea. I had not nary clue, and I will not say it anymore. So, solid. Happy we got through that. Moving on. But no. Well, no, that pretty much wraps it up. No, there's no moving on from that.
UNKNOWN:Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01:Solid. Yeah. And there, I mean, there's a lot of people out there that don't know about a lot of other words and stuff. So, I mean, learn as you go and be respectful to each other. What did you say? It's not getting, it's gotten. Or whatever. It's not given, it's gotten. Whatever.
SPEAKER_00:Bye. Bye. Thank you.
